Unveiling most embarrassing secrets of My Life- Part 1

Its about what happened with me in class 12^th. I was a good and a sincere student at that time : P and I used to score good marks in the class as well...

It was another September but this time it was special for its own reasons….Also it was my first exam to test my preparations before the so called mighty and deadly Boards. I was a wannabe Engineer and I started the preparations for the Competitive Examinations from class 12^th itself…ya…it was early for me but not for other students of my age who started preparing from class 11^th....but did it matter, the end result was same for all of us….B Grade Engineering college with retard teachers and stuff…..My maternal grandmother used to say “Mera Ishu toh IIT mein Jaayega” that time I was aware of my capabilities and I used to laugh and reply” Haan Haan, Uda Lo Mazaak”....though I went to IIT later….with the only difference that it was Junior-IIT rather…

So I was telling you about My Half yearly exams right!!

My datesheet was made in heaven, I mean they gave us ample time for preparations (two holidays before each exam)…..Though my preparations for my Biology exam in my half yearlys were pretty decent.but those fucktards gave the most difficult chapter thatz the Reproductive system in the Half Yearlys itself and I knew that this chapter would pose the ultimate trouble ,as it had done earlier in class 10. Why I dreaded this chapter has a bit of history attached to it like all other things in my life.

Bollywood, it was all due to bollywood , What usually happens in a b’wood Movie..I’ll tell you..The basic plot of ninety percent of the b'wood movies is:- Boy meets girl, strict father finds out, girl is locked away then either kills herself (mainly due to intolerable pain of heartbreak and thrashings from the father) or runs away with that boy....finally getting married or not..it depends...But what it did was develop my poor concepts on Reproduction.They just don’t show the intricacies, do they? And when some brave film maker dares to bare, these dumbasses in the censor board cut all the educational scenes.( Oh how I wish to be on that god damn censor board). So after all the Hindi films that I saw my scientific mind observed that there were two possible methods ( only two mind you!) by which a baby emerged from a woman’s tummy.

First ,the man and his wife marry. On the night of their marriage she brings milk. He drinks it. She smiles. They rub their noses together and wallah! Its done. The next scene, the woman vomits ,asks for tamarind , her belly swells and a child pops up.

Second, a boy and a girlfriend meet in the park then they go behind a bush or a tree. The bush or the tree shakes. The girl starts puking in the morning and her father says” KALMUHI…...TUNE HUMAARE KHAANDAAN KI NAAK KATWA DI .” The girl goes for an abortion (only in Kya Kehna , Priety Zinta had the guts to give birth to a child).

Based on these observations my scientific and highly analytical brain made the following conclusions.

First, rubbing of nose or shaking of the trees is the most important part of a child’s birth. If you don’t do either of the two things you cannot produce a baby.

Second a woman should never tell her husband that she is to give birth to a baby , she has to convey it by mannerisms and not speech. So either she can vomit or she can ask for tamarind ,or she can put a picture of a baby on the wall and point out to that picture when her husband returns from office. I also noted that the men behaved in two different ways listening to this news. If the marriage was legal the husband would be pretty happy and hug her wife. If , however, the boy and girl were unmarried, the boy would sweat like a pig I loved it whenever I used to see the boy in such trouble….serves you right for rubbing your nose without marrying I thought!

Third , the only possible way out for a baby was a woman’s belly button. The doctor had the keys of the belly button. After nine months when the baby knocked the hell out of her mother, she would be taken to a hospital , the doctor would open the belly lock with the keys ( how he got the keys was a mystery to me) and pull the baby out and then lock the woman’s belly once again.

So Here is the Conclusion

Nobody in India likes to discuss these things, if you dared to do it, you were thought to be a pervert. Hence I did not. To tell you the truth till class 10. I was pretty sure that these conclusions were right just as Newton’s laws of Motion.

-To Be Continued

Wait for my next post to know more about…how my bollywood paper..I mean biology paper was and in spite of all this how I managed to score good marks in biology and my Biological journey from Half yearlys to Boards….