Unveiling most embarrassing secrets of My Life- Part 2

Read Unveiling Most Embarrassing Secrets of My Life -Part 1, first, before reading the following ,Part 2.

So as I told you in my earlier post , Bollywood had messed up all my concepts. But there was more thing about which I had a wrong idea ( frankly speaking I am ashamed of it now)….condom.

It was around class 5 or 6 that I started to hear the words AIDS and condom a lot.“ Use condom and prevent AIDS” all great personalities said on the T.V (even Shabana Aazmi). Arrey boss. First tell us what the hell is a condom . Nobody bothers about that , do they? Till class 10th I thought condom was a tablet. Can you believe it? Shame on me and shame on all those T.V people.

But how was I to think otherwise? These condom ads, they just show a man and a woman kissing each other, then the camera moves towards a pink silk cloth on which two semi black packets are kept . alongside is a candle. And then it says “KAMASUTRA CONDOMS….. for the wild beast in you” and then there is Sachin Tendulkar . He came up every now and then to say ,” SAIYAM RAKHO, BANO WAFAADAAR ,KARO CONDOM KA ISTEMAAL….”.My highly scientific and analytical brain concluded that since Sachin was asking kids to take the Polio drops, he also wanted married couples to take condom tablets to prevent AIDS. That made me believe that condom was a tablet that somehow prevented AIDS by blocking your nose or otherwise (rubbing of nose used to make babies for me...see Part 1).

The final confirmation had come when I was on a bus and on the way I saw a huge billboard…totally black with the following words on it , DELUXE CONDOMS…..now in strawberry flavor . Underneath was the picture of a beautiful woman showing her bare back. Alongside her was written ,” I am in the mood for something special tonight.”

From all this STUFF , I made two landmark conclusions.

First , condom was a tablet which prevented AIDS.

Second , it came in different flavors , which flavor to eat was decided by the woman’s mood.

I must tell you that I was pretty confident about these concepts for a really long time. The real jolt came in class 10 when Paintal Ma'am taught the reproductive system. Though the book was utterly useless with sketchy details ( as if the author himself was a censor board panelist) it made two things very clear to me.

First, producing babies involved a touch more than rubbing your noses. Rubbing noses only transmitted influenza microbes...

Second, bellybutton and belly lock were wrong concepts.

It was later in class 12 that I understood in detail that a sperm and an ovum with chromosome number n each fuse to form a 2n zygote which later swells up to become a baby. I think my concepts improved about 75 percent( the rest 25 % were those intricate portions which I don’t think our C.B.S.E books had the courage to clarify on). And yes I understood that condom was not a tablet. I think the last concept was the single biggest achievement of my Biology learning.

To come back to the point. there were a lot of things in “ THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM” that I did not understand..still I managed to get away with it . As a matter of fact, my Biology paper was set very intelligently by some Government School teacher( I dont know why they gave the opportunity to set the board paper to those fuckin’ faggots). I'll tell you what these Govt School teachers do?…They usually have the sample copies of JPH Guide, U LIKE Sample papers and CBSE Sample Papers sets which they get free of cost…with each book having 100 times more knowledge than their entire clan. These greedy teachers are very fond of getting free samples of everything ( No offence meant to the any Govt school teacher reading this blog :P) . They mix the questions from all the stuff they are having and make the Final Paper!

So I looked at the last 10 years question papers. Paper setters thought, they played smart…But the students are a lot smarter than them…I noted that two questions SPERMATOGENESIS, and OOGENESIS were set alternatively each year. Last year was spermatogenesis , so I mugged up oogenesis. I also mugged up 10 different ways of population control because that question was set earlier in my pre boards. When I got my paper ,I quickly turned the page to look at question number 11. Bingo ! Oogenesis~!!. I thanked God , cursed Bollywood and started writing.

To tell you the truth , from where I started …… I have learned a hell lot. At least now I know that when a dog is onto a bitch in the middle of the road they are as I would have said a long time back “ rubbing their noses”. These days I only say “ YEH TO BADA TOING HAI.”

Unveiling most embarrassing secrets of My Life- Part 1

Its about what happened with me in class 12^th. I was a good and a sincere student at that time : P and I used to score good marks in the class as well...

It was another September but this time it was special for its own reasons….Also it was my first exam to test my preparations before the so called mighty and deadly Boards. I was a wannabe Engineer and I started the preparations for the Competitive Examinations from class 12^th itself…ya…it was early for me but not for other students of my age who started preparing from class 11^th....but did it matter, the end result was same for all of us….B Grade Engineering college with retard teachers and stuff…..My maternal grandmother used to say “Mera Ishu toh IIT mein Jaayega” that time I was aware of my capabilities and I used to laugh and reply” Haan Haan, Uda Lo Mazaak”....though I went to IIT later….with the only difference that it was Junior-IIT rather…

So I was telling you about My Half yearly exams right!!

My datesheet was made in heaven, I mean they gave us ample time for preparations (two holidays before each exam)…..Though my preparations for my Biology exam in my half yearlys were pretty decent.but those fucktards gave the most difficult chapter thatz the Reproductive system in the Half Yearlys itself and I knew that this chapter would pose the ultimate trouble ,as it had done earlier in class 10. Why I dreaded this chapter has a bit of history attached to it like all other things in my life.

Bollywood, it was all due to bollywood , What usually happens in a b’wood Movie..I’ll tell you..The basic plot of ninety percent of the b'wood movies is:- Boy meets girl, strict father finds out, girl is locked away then either kills herself (mainly due to intolerable pain of heartbreak and thrashings from the father) or runs away with that boy....finally getting married or not..it depends...But what it did was develop my poor concepts on Reproduction.They just don’t show the intricacies, do they? And when some brave film maker dares to bare, these dumbasses in the censor board cut all the educational scenes.( Oh how I wish to be on that god damn censor board). So after all the Hindi films that I saw my scientific mind observed that there were two possible methods ( only two mind you!) by which a baby emerged from a woman’s tummy.

First ,the man and his wife marry. On the night of their marriage she brings milk. He drinks it. She smiles. They rub their noses together and wallah! Its done. The next scene, the woman vomits ,asks for tamarind , her belly swells and a child pops up.

Second, a boy and a girlfriend meet in the park then they go behind a bush or a tree. The bush or the tree shakes. The girl starts puking in the morning and her father says” KALMUHI…...TUNE HUMAARE KHAANDAAN KI NAAK KATWA DI .” The girl goes for an abortion (only in Kya Kehna , Priety Zinta had the guts to give birth to a child).

Based on these observations my scientific and highly analytical brain made the following conclusions.

First, rubbing of nose or shaking of the trees is the most important part of a child’s birth. If you don’t do either of the two things you cannot produce a baby.

Second a woman should never tell her husband that she is to give birth to a baby , she has to convey it by mannerisms and not speech. So either she can vomit or she can ask for tamarind ,or she can put a picture of a baby on the wall and point out to that picture when her husband returns from office. I also noted that the men behaved in two different ways listening to this news. If the marriage was legal the husband would be pretty happy and hug her wife. If , however, the boy and girl were unmarried, the boy would sweat like a pig I loved it whenever I used to see the boy in such trouble….serves you right for rubbing your nose without marrying I thought!

Third , the only possible way out for a baby was a woman’s belly button. The doctor had the keys of the belly button. After nine months when the baby knocked the hell out of her mother, she would be taken to a hospital , the doctor would open the belly lock with the keys ( how he got the keys was a mystery to me) and pull the baby out and then lock the woman’s belly once again.

So Here is the Conclusion

Nobody in India likes to discuss these things, if you dared to do it, you were thought to be a pervert. Hence I did not. To tell you the truth till class 10. I was pretty sure that these conclusions were right just as Newton’s laws of Motion.

-To Be Continued

Wait for my next post to know more about…how my bollywood paper..I mean biology paper was and in spite of all this how I managed to score good marks in biology and my Biological journey from Half yearlys to Boards….