Unveiling most embarrassing secrets of My Life- Part 2

Read Unveiling Most Embarrassing Secrets of My Life -Part 1, first, before reading the following ,Part 2.

So as I told you in my earlier post , Bollywood had messed up all my concepts. But there was more thing about which I had a wrong idea ( frankly speaking I am ashamed of it now)….condom.

It was around class 5 or 6 that I started to hear the words AIDS and condom a lot.“ Use condom and prevent AIDS” all great personalities said on the T.V (even Shabana Aazmi). Arrey boss. First tell us what the hell is a condom . Nobody bothers about that , do they? Till class 10th I thought condom was a tablet. Can you believe it? Shame on me and shame on all those T.V people.

But how was I to think otherwise? These condom ads, they just show a man and a woman kissing each other, then the camera moves towards a pink silk cloth on which two semi black packets are kept . alongside is a candle. And then it says “KAMASUTRA CONDOMS….. for the wild beast in you” and then there is Sachin Tendulkar . He came up every now and then to say ,” SAIYAM RAKHO, BANO WAFAADAAR ,KARO CONDOM KA ISTEMAAL….”.My highly scientific and analytical brain concluded that since Sachin was asking kids to take the Polio drops, he also wanted married couples to take condom tablets to prevent AIDS. That made me believe that condom was a tablet that somehow prevented AIDS by blocking your nose or otherwise (rubbing of nose used to make babies for me...see Part 1).

The final confirmation had come when I was on a bus and on the way I saw a huge billboard…totally black with the following words on it , DELUXE CONDOMS…..now in strawberry flavor . Underneath was the picture of a beautiful woman showing her bare back. Alongside her was written ,” I am in the mood for something special tonight.”

From all this STUFF , I made two landmark conclusions.

First , condom was a tablet which prevented AIDS.

Second , it came in different flavors , which flavor to eat was decided by the woman’s mood.

I must tell you that I was pretty confident about these concepts for a really long time. The real jolt came in class 10 when Paintal Ma'am taught the reproductive system. Though the book was utterly useless with sketchy details ( as if the author himself was a censor board panelist) it made two things very clear to me.

First, producing babies involved a touch more than rubbing your noses. Rubbing noses only transmitted influenza microbes...

Second, bellybutton and belly lock were wrong concepts.

It was later in class 12 that I understood in detail that a sperm and an ovum with chromosome number n each fuse to form a 2n zygote which later swells up to become a baby. I think my concepts improved about 75 percent( the rest 25 % were those intricate portions which I don’t think our C.B.S.E books had the courage to clarify on). And yes I understood that condom was not a tablet. I think the last concept was the single biggest achievement of my Biology learning.

To come back to the point. there were a lot of things in “ THE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM” that I did not understand..still I managed to get away with it . As a matter of fact, my Biology paper was set very intelligently by some Government School teacher( I dont know why they gave the opportunity to set the board paper to those fuckin’ faggots). I'll tell you what these Govt School teachers do?…They usually have the sample copies of JPH Guide, U LIKE Sample papers and CBSE Sample Papers sets which they get free of cost…with each book having 100 times more knowledge than their entire clan. These greedy teachers are very fond of getting free samples of everything ( No offence meant to the any Govt school teacher reading this blog :P) . They mix the questions from all the stuff they are having and make the Final Paper!

So I looked at the last 10 years question papers. Paper setters thought, they played smart…But the students are a lot smarter than them…I noted that two questions SPERMATOGENESIS, and OOGENESIS were set alternatively each year. Last year was spermatogenesis , so I mugged up oogenesis. I also mugged up 10 different ways of population control because that question was set earlier in my pre boards. When I got my paper ,I quickly turned the page to look at question number 11. Bingo ! Oogenesis~!!. I thanked God , cursed Bollywood and started writing.

To tell you the truth , from where I started …… I have learned a hell lot. At least now I know that when a dog is onto a bitch in the middle of the road they are as I would have said a long time back “ rubbing their noses”. These days I only say “ YEH TO BADA TOING HAI.”